Pie-oh-my: Veggies out, but single pie sprint soothed by 'control gravy'

Information reaches News Hour that the World Pie Eating Championships are returning to more traditional methods, after a flirtation with the healthy eating lobby. The vegetarian option is to be eliminated and the wonders of gravy re-introduced, with the content strictly controlled by the so-called Hindley Green Index, a measure which sounds suspiciously adlibbed, but was presumably named after the region in Greater Manchester, near where the contest is decided (Harry’s Bar in Wigan). Much is made of the re-introduction of gravy and the removal of the vegetarian option, but we note that the ‘one-pie sprint’ as opposed to the gut-busting quantity challenge, is still the event of choice. Former champion Dave Smyth had this to say in 2006 about the shift in focus:

"This contest has always been about savouring as many pies as possible over a three-minute period, not sprinting through a few mouthfuls of a single pie."

And an obese pie-eater? Surely, that would never do. Another sad example of professionalisation ripping the heart out of an industry.

News Hour is used to stories of quirky competitions, and once had to check with a bell-ringing expert that a contest Marcus Brigstocke was supposedly profiling was real, so strange did it sound (thank you again, the exceptionally understanding Robert Lewis, editor of The Ringing World). We feared a spoof might be slipping through the cracks, but all was as it should be.

The only part of the statement below which gives us pause for thought is the line about barbed wire on the gravy boats. Sound suspicious? Perhaps Mr Callaghan is having some fun with us. (The entire release has the tone of a quirky PR rather enjoying themselves, but such material does rather lend itself to that treatment.)

"The World Pie Eating Championships are the pinnacle of the art, a showcase for the pie eating elite. The introduction of the veggie challenge in 2006 was a backward step for championship level pie eating, with such dilution of focus gravely threatening the credibility of the contest in the eyes of critics," said Tony Callaghan, owner of Championship venue Harry's Bar in Wigan.

"We have also taken the controversial step of re-introducing gravy for the Category A (meat) contest. In competitive conditions gravy can take as much as one and a half seconds off the time it takes to consume a regulation pie.

"The lubricative advantage of a top quality gravy served at optimum temperature accompanying a racing pie cannot be underestimated. We will be following the guidelines laid down by The Hindley Green Index, the recognised standard for measurement of gravy slump in championship pie
eating circles.

"This is the measurement of the spread of gravy across a dinner plate when poured from a gravy boat held precisely four inches above the plate.

"To prevent contestants drinking from the gravy boats, they will, as in 1995, 1996 and 1997, be edged with barbed wire," said Tony Callaghan.