Terminator 'gives itself up' to police

The director McG's cinematic hobbling of the Terminator franchise seems to have robbed the nation's killer cyborgs of their purpose. News Hour has received reports that one of the potentially lethal killing machines has been rounded up in a casino on the border of California and Nevada, shortly after arriving from the future, even before managing to secure itself any clothes.

Experts suggest that the machines have become depressed by their simplistic screen portrayal, and have lost all desire to target future leaders of the human resistance. Terminators all over the United States have been presenting considerably less challenge to law enforcement in recent weeks, and some have even been adapted into children's rides at bigger brances of Walmart. It seems likely this incident will accelerate the increase of shame and listlessness felt by many of the machines.

News Hour recalls when the first Terminator turned up in 1984, and 28 people died, many of them at a police station; things got considerably worse in the great death waves of 1991 and 2003, with considerable damage to property both public and private.

Was the McG work truly so monotonous that Terminators across the country have been shamed into submission? The world will be a less colourful place as a result.

Mask at 30,000 ft: The strange case of flight 5114

Strange happenings on Monarch flight 5114 to Sharm El Sheik (20/06/09), where your correspondent was witness to the unheralded dropping of an air supply mask over seat 3F. A man nearby had been dozing, woke to see the apparatus and appeared to fear the worst; but the not entirely able woman sat beneath the hanging plastic seemed comparatively calm.

Attempts to resecure the rogue cabinet that released the mask proved unsuccessful, and a practical stewardess opted to lock it down with duct tape, assuring the lady that she would be attended to swiftly in a crisis - as her mask was now sealed off. Understandably, the woman asked to be moved, perhaps to the seats with extra legroom - but was told no, she would have to pay for that. Is this a case of compromising safety for money? No disaster occurred so we never had to find out, but it casts a curiously nuts-and-bolts light on the once glamorous world of air travel.

FILM: Michael Bay's right-wing robots

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen is a funny thing. On the one hand, the huge technical effort that goes into making such a film lends it a certain kudos; but then, what it that worth when the storytelling doesn't measure up? All you really need to know about the movie is that it has more plot than its predecessor, but isn't as fun to watch. The original was a B-movie with A-list effects, right down to its choice of Shia LaBeouf in the lead; he's OK, but lacks the punch to distract you from the robots. When the human actors are front and centre, the focus isn't usually the acting; it's some nearly nude part of Megan Fox (look here for the lowdown on the spat between Fox and director Michael Bay over her role in the movie, and here for a rather lewd story about her audition).

The tone of the movie is the strangest thing; Michael Bay comes off like an embittered Republican warmonger, flying the flag for kicking ass downtown, shooting first and planning later. Obama is mentioned by name, and his collegial approach portrayed as weak and indecisive (he doesn't trust Optimus Prime; a big no-no in Transformers lore); at one point the Democratic President is even hiding in a bunker, cowering from the results of his inaction. The man's no Autobot, Bay seems to be saying, and he ain't no soldier; this is a love letter to the military-minded Republicans from start to finish.

The movie makes other strange attempts to be topical - when descending into the basement of a butcher's, a wry comment about swine flu is dubbed onto the soundtrack. presumably in post - but this political tint is by far the most curious, at least until you begin regarding it as something more basic. It's more of an attitude than an opinion, more of a thrust than a thesis; could you put Bay's The Island, where the anti stem cell research position is quite clear, into the same category? Possibly. In a Bay movie there isn't time to sit still and sift the layers, partly because there usually aren't any to sift; but mostly because that isn't the point of them. They're rides, some better than others.

After The Fallen, Bay seems to think he needs a break. We here at News Hour agree, and hope for a good-humoured return. Perhaps a small scale reinvention is in order? A meditation on life without explosions in the Yorkshire Dales, or a collaboration on childhood with Terence Davies?

FILM: The Hangover that's grisly, but good

The Hangover isn’t quite the masterpiece some reviewers would have you believe, but there’s a reason for that hyperpraise. America is in the grip of a glut of male comedies the likes of which we haven’t seen since the 80s: an increasingly lame parade of ‘spoof’ movies, the legacy of gross-out started by the Farrelly Brothers, the American Pie series, the Apatow stable, the Frat Packers (among them Old School from Hangover director Todd Phillips) etc. We have become cynical when it comes to this genre and, as such, the reviews need to overstate the case to get you to go see it.

What’s great about the movie is how it doesn’t make you sweat the usual stuff. We’re spared the gross-out antics of the stag night, the worrying about whether or not they’ll make the wedding, manage to win enough at craps, etc. Many of the jokes and situations come out of leftfield, although some of them may have benefited from being more surreal than nasty. In short, it surprises you; no mean feat, but one greatly helped by having a low-profile cast, most stunningly Zach Galifianakis as the idiot savant brother of the missing groom. Heather Graham and Mike Tyson are easily the most high profile people in the movie, and both are side characters.

Where it falls down is in the pacing, which could be sharper – the comedy too, makes concessions to the gross-out audience that it shouldn’t have to, but these are tacks that’ll help it to big box office. Word is that there’s a sequel, which is troubling – but if the first is this good, maybe a little leeway's OK.

White House ‘opaque about being opaque’

By what metrics should we measure White House transparency? You’d think by what we’ve seen before, no? That sounds reasonable. People would say ‘that George Bush, he was awful…surely, this new fellow can’t be as bad as all that’. It’s an easy win, and it makes sense. Doesn’t it?

Not according to Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, who, after denying access to White House visitor lists, claimed to waiting reporters that this was ‘not a contest’ between administrations. However much the specifics of one administration vary to another, surely there are always commonalities – there are always threats, there are always policies, some more secretive than others for various reasons, 99 per cent of which are unlikely to involve any kind of exciting conspiracy.

Yet still Gibbs offers this as a justification. Perhaps he thinks that, by saying it, he’s simply goading the press into like-for-like comparisons, pages of coverage on how the White Houses of Obama/Bush/Clinton/Bush stack up in the secrecy stakes. According to the people of CREW, the Bush/Obama administrations are ‘not looking so different right now’ on transparency. Perhaps that’s a good reason to steer off comparisons.

Letterman & Palin joke furore: The Left and the Right are both winners

It seems that the furore surrounding David Letterman’s ‘joke’ has benefited both parties. Following the departure of Jay Leno from NBC’s Tonight Show, the CBS host is facing new blood in the form of Conan O’Brien – some may think it will pay to appear edgy against a host 16 years his junior, and making off-colour jokes about Sarah Palin’s daughter being knocked up by third baseman Alex Rodriguez could be one method.

On the other hand, it’s highly unlikely that Letterman actually meant to imply it was the Alaska governor’s 14-year-old daughter who was in danger of sexual congress with A-Rod – despite her being on the trip – the nod was more clearly toward 18-year-old Bristol, a single mum. At the very least, that’s a defensible position.

This allows Palin to play the wounded party and demand an apology – while Letterman offers her a chance to come on the show which she will, of course, decline. In a time when the Republican party is bereft of obvious leadership, Palin’s stock rises with the conservative base as she maintains a dignified semi-silence – and Letterman’s ratings leap.

Then again, aren’t there less painful ways to bolster one’s position? A situation well-exploited is perhaps the best final analysis.

New Berlusconi shock

Italian premier Silvio Berlusconi has reacted strongly against claims that he consorted with miners. The European leader, 87, today denied reports that he spent last summer in blackface with a light on his forehead, chipping at the foundations of his spacious country home with a pickaxe - despite photographic evidence that appears to suggest otherwise, and which also indicates the presence of similarly attired men.

Mr Berlusconi had claimed that he was alone all summer, but these photographs would appear to indicate otherwise. They show upwards of ten men caked in grime, shaking their axes in what appears to be an improvised tribal dance - to the apparent delight of the media baron. The Bulgarian newspaper Tongue of Truth claims it has talked to Welshmen that were held by Mr Berlusconi for much of July and August in 2008, and that it will begin publishing the accounts of their ordeals in due course.

"These men are tormented," claimed a spokesman for the Tongue. "What they have gone through is beyond anything normal man can imagine."

He went on to comment that their union leaders had been contacted, and were considering an appropriate response. Mr Berlusconi refused to comment.

Ex-minister attack by cow just beginning, claim insiders

A tradition long thought dead in the political world was revived at the weekend, as the Labour MP David Blunkett was ceremonially hit by a cow. The tradition, which dates back to the time of the Napoleonic Wars, is thought to have begun as a concession to public opinion after the introduction of income tax during the period.

Mr Blunkett turned 62 at the weekend, placing him three years from retirement, the age at which politicians of the era would be challenged by a bovine to prove their continuing worthiness for public office. The former Home Secretary was said to have been ‘spoiling for a fight’ and had been engaged in a rigorous training regime. The bovine, a Friesian, had been imported from the Bailiwick of Guernsey as tradition dictates:

"Ye challynger shal stannd onn foure legs strong, bryght of udder and eye; she shal hayle from beyond yar sea; and back yarther she shal sayle."

Political insiders speculate that the tradition – last invoked during the dying days of the Callaghan administration – may have been revived to restore faith in the government after weeks of scandal, and as part of a raft of new measures being introduced by Prime Minister Gordon Brown to reform the electoral system.

Sources close to Parliament suggest that other measures may include the reintroduction of stocks to punish errant ministers, as well as the use of a cherry picker to suspend expenses cheats over Parliament Square – where a supply of tomatoes will be provided for public pelting.

NEWS HOUR EXCLUSIVE: First ladies at The Lion King

One of our roving reporters in Covent Garden noted a high police presence this evening. Upon the utterance of a mild interrogative, a friendly police officer explained the jaunty tone of their deployment - Michelle Obama and the first girls were attending a performance of The Lion King. The image of them in a box, surrounded by solemn, sunglassed secret service agents, is surely one that will play on the mind of sketch writers for generations.

Obligations & prejudice: Rod Blagojevich speaks

It may be a product of the cable news system – where opinions live and die like flies – but no-one seems overly concerned about tainting of the potential jury pool in the case against Rod Blagojevich, the former governor of Illinois [see the charges here]. At the moment his wife is on I’m A Celebrity USA, marshalling the support of celebrities that include original supermodel Janice Dickinson – while ‘Serbian Rod’ is writing himself a book on the back of a six-figure deal, one that, he claims, will come out before the scheduled trial in Spring 2010. Apparently it will be written in such a way so as not to prejudice proceedings, focusing more on the machine than the details. From there, the issue may become whether or not he should profit from it.

Talking to Larry King, Mr Blagojevich quoted Rudyard Kipling and waxed about obligation. There was the obligation to provide for his kids and pay his mortgage, an obligation that meant someone had to go on I’m A Celebrity and scoff insects. Unfortunately, the judge decided that he had a legal obligation to remain in the country, so his wife went to Costa Rica instead, for the same fee – so the family could honour their obligation to NBC. Along a similar theme, Blagojevich claimed part of what led him to this precarious position was trusting people he shouldn’t – King pushed him into naming ‘Tony Ruskin’ as one of those who betrayed that trust. News Hour would greatly appreciate info on who this man might be, as our limited resources have come up with nothing.

In a PR blow, the charity Bear Necessities turned down the family’s offer of a fee, citing his alleged extortion of a children’s hospital as the cause (it was one of several charities to do so according to the former governor – the money eventually went to a charity in Florida). You may argue that Blagojevich has the right to push back against the endless opinions generated by cable news, and of course he does – but there is something deeply parallel about his entire existence. He talks about becoming ‘Mr Mom’ in his wife’s bug-eating absence, a concept that would easily translate to a reality show of its own (imagine the comedy soundtrack, and the advertising with him in a pinny).

NEWS HOUR EXCLUSIVE: Secrets of Big Brother 10 revealed

News Hour can exclusively reveal the secrets of the Big Brother 10 house. As is now widely known, there are no housemates – but this is not for the reasons suggested. For the first half of the show Channel 4, has ordered the purchase of hundreds of miniature, slow motion cameras, some of which are arranged in a figure-of-eight in the garden. But why?

The move is part of an audacious, multi-pronged strategy to secure public service funding for the ailing broadcaster, by giving the show over to the study of insects. Utilising the latest in genetic research, Big Brother scientists have injected the insects with the fluorescent gene recently deployed in monkeys – so viewers can more easily follow them in the live, nightly stream. The thinking is that a whole generation of young Britons will be turned on to the study of entomology, so plugging a much needed skills shortage in our scientific industries and securing government funding to the tune of £10 million.

The insects will be studied for a 20-week period, with Channel 4 devoting much of its primetime schedule to special highlights packages that document the antics of individual insects. Billy the ant is billed as a ‘rambunctious trouble-seeker from Essex with a heart of gold’, while Piers the dung beetle is said to be ‘quiet, aloof – a cut above the rest’. Both creatures have wireless cameras implanted into their DNA, and viewers will be able to follow them every night.

Channel 4 has vigorously denied reports that it plans to ‘dunk the lot of them in a vat of cider’ if ratings dip.

Shatner’s talent ‘visible from space’ say experts

In a surprise development, scientists have revealed that William Shatner’s sheer, incredible talent is visible from space – the first showbiz aura to achieve this distinction. The intangible effect of the actor is thought to have begun in the 1960s, with Mr Shatner suddenly wielding a noticeable influence on any room he entered. It moved into an unstable period during the 1970s, before his stint on the network police drama TJ Hooker.

In recent months, the allure of his success has expanded exponentially, thought to be the result of a feedback loop created between Mr Shatner and Mr Nimoy during an episode of the interview show Shatner’s Raw Nerve, in which the host attempted to aggravate showbiz friends. The gleam is now thought to occupy an area the size of Ireland and, in bowing to public pressure to reduce its disruptive effect on shipping and avian migration, has resulted in Mr Shatner retreating to a remote ranch to raise horses – the sole creatures that remain immune to the actor’s immense charisma field.

Boffins at the West Central Sundance Institute note that ‘Shatner’s gleam’ could go on expanding for fives of years to come, with some speculating that this expansion has alarming portents for a spectacular future collapse – a white-hot explosion that could sterilise the talents of generations of entertainers to come.

A virtual sales assistant to pester you, sir or madam?

A persistent sales assistant can be effective, when it comes to that moment of wavering - should I, shouldn't I, buy this particular piece of tat? "Oh, but it'll look wonderful in your house / car / cocktail glass - go on, we've only got a couple left at this very special price."

That's one thing. Then you leave the shop with or without your tat, and resolve to avoid said assistant like the plague in future. That would never happen on the internet, would it? Apparently it can. A new service called Abandonment Tracker Pro monitors those products that shoppers drop from their baskets before checkout - then follow them with messages asking if they'd like to reconsider said abandoned purchases. Is this the sort of intrusive activity that could put a dent in internet commerce? It's in the same ballpark as the personalised advertising that irritated so many Facebook users. Surely what many shoppers value on the web is the sense of detachment from the misery of the actual process. It's also a step removed from using your card in a store, which is a step again from the use of cash.

A pessimist might imagine that such methods will continue to encroach on the virtual experience until it becomes only marginally less painful than finding an actual shop. An optimist would hope that stores employing this type of finger-poking pester would buckle under complaints from customers.

King Of Pop set to become 'King Of Justice'

Legendary pop icon Michael Jackson will become the surprise second nominee for supreme court justice. Following the resignation of liberal judge David Souter, the President reportedly feels that the balance 'just isn’t right' on the nation’s top court, despite the likely confirmation of Latina Sonia Sotomayor as his replacement. Sources in the White House suggest that a tenth judge is needed to 'up the ante' in these difficult times, with one staffer saying: 'It's simple – more judges, more decisions. That's economics.'

The supreme court has comprised nine justices since the passing of the Judiciary Act in 1869, down from a high of ten in 1863. In a time of legal juggling on issues of civil liberties, detainees, gay marriage and horse apocalypse, experts have speculated that the nation could be entering into a new era of judical upheaval – an idea to which Mr Obama lent credence when he spoke these words to reporters from a moving car, yesterday:

"Mr Jackson will provide a fresh perspective on the judicial process, and a much-needed touch of glamour and mystery to the bench."

The Commander-In-Chief went on to remark that Jackson may take an unorthodox approach to meting out judgements:

"As befits a maverick of his standing, the judgements from Justice Jackson will be offered by way of an upward or downward pointing thumb of his trademark jewel encrusted glove. I think you will all agree that this will speed up the appeals process."

The King of Pop could not be reached for comment, but sources at London's 02 venue say that this fresh development may delay his much anticipated concerts at the 23,000 seater venue.

Samuel Johnson: serial romanticiser?

Is modern political discourse inferior to what has gone before? An NPR interview with Eric Burns on his book about lying journalists casts an intriguing light on this. In the mid-18th century, Samuel Johnson was hired to cover Parliament by a gentleman's magazine, and paraphrased the words of politicians through knowledge of their opinions, rather than recording them verbatim - why? Because he rarely attended the sessions, apparently through a dislike of the outside. Burns claims that the politicians didn't mind, as Johnson was so much more eloquent than they - so is what we see now simply less varnished? With the advent of BBC Parliament, C-Span and the like, and the constant pressure of the 24-hour news cycle?

Alas, the reality according to this thorough analysis is quite different - Johnson was not allowed to attend, nor were any reporters - although this doesn't alter our point about the fictionalising, and possibly romanticising of political discourse from a golden age.

Johnson is a wonderful figure, in the metaphorical sense - read more on him from News Hour here, and see his house here.

Everything is Santanderised

So, it has finally happened - the rebrand that has felt like pulling teeth is nearing an end. Abbey, Bradford & Bingley and Alliance & Leicester are becoming Santander and all will, it seems, bear that curious coffee bean design (apparently it is supposed to be a flaming torch, much like the Olympics) already being sported by branches of Abbey. One wonders if new customers will walk in expecting a latte, and walk out with an ISA and five-year fixed rate loan.

We here at News Hour have been expecting this for some time, and look forward to more expensive rebranding antics featuring Lewis Hamilton, or perhaps some dancing torches animated by Pixar. Perhaps the cast of Mysterious Cities Of Gold could be drafted in to explain the philosophy of our new masters. It may be all of the above - they have until 2010 to finish it.

Customers will survive - if they stomached the demise of Woolworth's, they can handle this - but you have to fear for the staff ahead of all the 'synergies' such a union would offer. Tonight's BBC report touched on it, coming from London's swanky Kensington, where a branch of Abbey and Bradford & Bingley sit cheek by jowl on the high street. How common a picture is that, up and down the country? Will both survive, given pricey high street rents? Does the squirrel decide? Tough times, tough times...